All the way my savior leads me.

Lord, please give me grace to face the trials of each day.

Ecclesiastes 3:11

Some thoughts from QT today before I rush to Young Adults New Year gathering-

Today I read Luke 1:1-56 and Ecclesiastes 3:1-11

I just thought this verse spoke to me today:

"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end."- Ecclesiastes 3:11

Many things came to mind, one of which was listening to Corrinne May's "Everything in its time" when I was in the army and just going through the motion of things. I remember coming back one weekend, half in gladness from booking out and half in dismay knowing that I have to go back (haha) and just sitting in the study room playing this song over and over again. And in this rather trying period of my life, I just think back upon God's faithfulness and pray for more faith in Him only who knows what is ahead.

It's so true that when my physical symptoms threaten to overwhelm me and I'm just dragging myself through the day that I really really cannot understand what in the world God is doing. Yet again, were there not many times when, albeit much less drastic than this, I also felt lost and in despair? Sometimes it even feels as if God has given up on me and my life is just going to come to a zero. You know what I mean? The sort of lives which the world puts a big stamp of "failure". Yet God tells me otherwise in Romans 8:28 and Jeremiah 29:11. So I must hold on to those promises.

It reminds me also of a sermon I heard some weeks back of how Joseph, being carted off to Egypt had no idea what plan God had for him. Neither did the brothers smirking away, neither did Pharoah, neither did the caravan of Ishmaelites, neither did Jacob weeping at home. Only God knew. Lord, now too, only you know.

Just a thought among many. Thank God.

Thanksgiving

Things to be thankful for 2010

1) Helping drag me through pathology examinations in January

2) Meeting the Christian palliative patient who reminded me about what’s important in life

3) Helping me through my Montreal electives at Jewish General. Much comfort in the Bible as I sat at the cafeteria alone waiting for my shift to start.

4) Was quite alone in Montreal actually. “You alone can rescue” by Matt Redman ministered a great deal to me- so did early morning QT!

5) Helping me reach the bus stop outside the Jewish at 1am, just in the time for the last bus!

6) Getting my room door open from the outside when I stupidly jammed it trying to hang dry my clothes. Haha. I spent real long turning my key in despair.

7) Keeping me safe on my whole elective, especially the times alone- Quebec City, Boston, Baltimore, New York City

8) Worshipping together in a small homely church in Montreal.

9) Snow in Montreal in late April. Awesome.

10) Helping me find my vest which I had dropped along Broadway walking home at night

11) Somehow getting my ethics paper to Sweden for presentation

12) Renting a bike and riding it to Glam Uppsala and around. Loved it!

13) Having a good time of fellowship with another Christian from the UK who had seen me randomly doing QT in the hostel common area

14) Helping me through the presentation with good response. Nehemiah 6:9 “But now, O God, Strengthen my hands…”

15) This wonderful moment sitting on top of a rock on some island in the Stockholm archipelago with my Bible and watching the sunset

16) Getting me to Arlanda airport in time though I realised at 12pm that I had left my passport at the hostel (my flight was at 2pm, I had 0 SEK left, and was at the train station at 12pm)

17) For perfect timing in getting my ethics paper into JPSM for a series they were doing up. Side note- my article tracking number was jpsm-7777. Cool eh. Haha.

18) Helping me through the night before my Paediatrics EOPT and getting me through it on the day itself though it was the start of a really interesting season in life

19) For bringing me wonderful verses during my struggle- Psalms 42, Psalms 139, Psalms 23, 1 Peter 5:7, Matthew 6 and wonderful sermons, including this Sunday’s one by Rev. Dr. Isaac on how the Christmas message is “fear not!”

20) For bringing me wonderful people who support me- my parents, Sheena, Charles, Lifeng, Willy, Sheena’s godpa, my BB Captain etc.

21) Crying in despair many many times, and being comforted.

22) Geriatrics posting- Saying grace with my Clinical Group mates. I thank God for the chap at the end of the table.

23) Retreat at Young Methodist Leaders Conference

24) This time during SIP when I almost made a mistake by sending off the wrong blood specimen

25) A peace in knowing I will find Sheena’s file when I went to look for it at NUH. And showing me where to look too (really.)

26) I think each and every single EOPT is a miracle in itself whilst I’m struggling like that

27) God touching the lives of my Sec 2 kids during youth camp

28) Christmas holiday- KL with my family, and times with Sheena

Brokenness.

Just came back from church youth camp, punctuated by having to go to school every day. Yet I'm rather glad I went for it- just another reminder that there's more to life than schooling and examinations. That, I feel is my problem now- I have cultivated an incredibly bad and crippling habit of looking at life with a super narrow perspective. Frankly, I have made the March exams a huge idol in my life, and this seems like a very painful call to return put Jesus first in my life again. Lord, please help me.

The verse which has been of much thought these few days is Romans 5:3-5 "And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulations produces perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us."

Pastor Jasper talked about how we need to be broken to be molded by God. Lord, I feel all the brokenness and not much molding. I just feel weak.

Nevertheless, I give thanks to God for a few things- for bringing me closer to Dad and Mom, for showing me how I have been so consumed with pride and chasing after the world. I just pray for patience and strength, and that He will come quickly to save me. Please Lord, have mercy on me.

Difficult.

It's a tough tough season. Lord, please help me

The Reason I Sing by Jimmy Needham

If it’s just to top a song chart

To feed the kids and get a bigger car

The sky’s already got enough stars

And they all sing Your name

And if I’m here to write a number one

To get a gold or maybe platinum

Make me a singer who is unsung

'Cause You won’t share Your fame

'Cause even accolades some day will fade away

Just like me

Yes, everything but You

Many years from now it won’t matter how

Why I write the rhymes I do

Help me get back to the reason I sing for You

I’m always looking for the limelight

To dim the house and make the stages bright

Compared to You I’m just a nightlight

Against the blazing Sun

I enter rooms and hope they notice me

To fill my social insecurities

I’m asking is there any hope for me?

'Cause there’s only room here for one

Why are we so convinced a bigger audience

Is simply common sense to have?

Maybe success is measured best by nothing less than our obedience

So if I'm destined for a small stage

The small crowds and the small pay

And maybe even in a small way

I can bring You fame

Difficult.

It's a tough tough season. Lord, please help me

The Reason I Sing by Jimmy Needham

If it’s just to top a song chart

To feed the kids and get a bigger car

The sky’s already got enough stars

And they all sing Your name

And if I’m here to write a number one

To get a gold or maybe platinum

Make me a singer who is unsung

'Cause You won’t share Your fame

'Cause even accolades some day will fade away

Just like me

Yes, everything but You

Many years from now it won’t matter how

Why I write the rhymes I do

Help me get back to the reason I sing for You

I’m always looking for the limelight

To dim the house and make the stages bright

Compared to You I’m just a nightlight

Against the blazing Sun

I enter rooms and hope they notice me

To fill my social insecurities

I’m asking is there any hope for me?

'Cause there’s only room here for one

Why are we so convinced a bigger audience

Is simply common sense to have?

Maybe success is measured best by nothing less than our obedience

So if I'm destined for a small stage

The small crowds and the small pay

And maybe even in a small way

I can bring You fame

The man I want to be.

By God's grace, I will soon be a doctor. I'm quite tempted to write a long tirade about what I think the problem with my dear medical school is, but I shall restrain myself and consider what sort of doctor I want to see myself coming out of it- or rather, perhaps, how I want to finish this leg of the race.

1) I want to study to be a good doctor, not for the silly exams.

The more I consider the examinations, the variables and the big difference it has with being a doctor proper, I just find it a bit absurd to be so preoccupied with passing these examinations. This, is my great struggle- for I have a terrible habit of focusing my life around examinations. I pray that the Lord will help me to refocus on what's important again. Frankly, I also don't know what's the big deal with taking longer than others to be more competent.

2) I want to be a Godly man FIRST, then doctor second.

This, to be taken in the context of the first, of course. Yet it means that whilst I study, I make sure that I keep my eyes upon Jesus and how I can be a blessing. What struck me recently was how I was wasting good blessing-days whilst studying. If I keep my eyes on Jesus, I can bless others even now whilst I study. I don't need a degree to be God's blessing today, so why put that on hold?

3) I want to have a wider perspective of things

I feel as if over the past few years, I feel as if I am a bird who suddenly realised that he's trapped in a box of medicine. Haha. That is terrible perspective to have. How often do I consider the blessings I have had thus far? How often do I remember that there are people out there who need Jesus, who are suffering with their own difficulties too? I had a talk with Dad tonight and it struck me how it's so true that to us, many people seem as though they're having it good- but everyone, human as they are, struggle. It's also why I like to travel or just look around a bit- Life is not all medicine. Thank God for Sheena, for family, for friends, for ministry, for Jesus

4) I want to have a Godly perspective of things

It's funny how things stick to you sometimes. I remember going on night call with a HO who told me how petrifying the finals were and how he was glad he was over it. I remember thinking to myself too that I would trade places with him there and then. Then I thought to myself- who says that taking the finals has to be a petrifying episode? I remember the word of God tells me in Psalms 139 that God not only knows what's going to happen, but promises His presence always. Thus I increasingly pray not for God to help me pass (though that'll be very nice, thank you Lord), but that I will commit myself into His hands and His plans.

5) I want to remember God's goodness

It's almost the end of 2010 now, and usually when we come to the end of things, we remember what God has brought us through the year. I want to do that as I come to the end of this academic year too- to spend some time (as much as time affords), to remember God's goodness over the past 5 years and in my life thus far. Of course, surely I can do that after the exams and when everything is relaxed right? Well yes, but for an anxious person as I am, calling to mind all the mercies of God in my life is like good medicine.

As I type this, I begin to wonder if it sounds all a bit crazy to the world. Yes, perhaps it is. But I'm a Christian. A stranger in the world looking for a fuller rest. Good thing I don't fit in then.

So Lord please help me.