The Lord's grace is sufficient for me

All the way my savior leads me.

2011-01-24T20:22:00.002+08:00

Lord, please give me grace to face the trials of each day.

Ecclesiastes 3:11

2011-01-02T17:58:00.003+08:00

Some thoughts from QT today before I rush to Young Adults New Year gathering-

Today I read Luke 1:1-56 and Ecclesiastes 3:1-11

I just thought this verse spoke to me today:

"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end."- Ecclesiastes 3:11

Many things came to mind, one of which was listening to Corrinne May's "Everything in its time" when I was in the army and just going through the motion of things. I remember coming back one weekend, half in gladness from booking out and half in dismay knowing that I have to go back (haha) and just sitting in the study room playing this song over and over again. And in this rather trying period of my life, I just think back upon God's faithfulness and pray for more faith in Him only who knows what is ahead.

It's so true that when my physical symptoms threaten to overwhelm me and I'm just dragging myself through the day that I really really cannot understand what in the world God is doing. Yet again, were there not many times when, albeit much less drastic than this, I also felt lost and in despair? Sometimes it even feels as if God has given up on me and my life is just going to come to a zero. You know what I mean? The sort of lives which the world puts a big stamp of "failure". Yet God tells me otherwise in Romans 8:28 and Jeremiah 29:11. So I must hold on to those promises.

It reminds me also of a sermon I heard some weeks back of how Joseph, being carted off to Egypt had no idea what plan God had for him. Neither did the brothers smirking away, neither did Pharoah, neither did the caravan of Ishmaelites, neither did Jacob weeping at home. Only God knew. Lord, now too, only you know.

Just a thought among many. Thank God.

Thanksgiving

2010-12-31T18:53:00.001+08:00

Things to be thankful for 2010

1) Helping drag me through pathology examinations in January

2) Meeting the Christian palliative patient who reminded me about what’s important in life

3) Helping me through my Montreal electives at Jewish General. Much comfort in the Bible as I sat at the cafeteria alone waiting for my shift to start.

4) Was quite alone in Montreal actually. “You alone can rescue” by Matt Redman ministered a great deal to me- so did early morning QT!

5) Helping me reach the bus stop outside the Jewish at 1am, just in the time for the last bus!

6) Getting my room door open from the outside when I stupidly jammed it trying to hang dry my clothes. Haha. I spent real long turning my key in despair.

7) Keeping me safe on my whole elective, especially the times alone- Quebec City, Boston, Baltimore, New York City

8) Worshipping together in a small homely church in Montreal.

9) Snow in Montreal in late April. Awesome.

10) Helping me find my vest which I had dropped along Broadway walking home at night

11) Somehow getting my ethics paper to Sweden for presentation

12) Renting a bike and riding it to Glam Uppsala and around. Loved it!

13) Having a good time of fellowship with another Christian from the UK who had seen me randomly doing QT in the hostel common area

14) Helping me through the presentation with good response. Nehemiah 6:9 “But now, O God, Strengthen my hands…”

15) This wonderful moment sitting on top of a rock on some island in the Stockholm archipelago with my Bible and watching the sunset

16) Getting me to Arlanda airport in time though I realised at 12pm that I had left my passport at the hostel (my flight was at 2pm, I had 0 SEK left, and was at the train station at 12pm)

17) For perfect timing in getting my ethics paper into JPSM for a series they were doing up. Side note- my article tracking number was jpsm-7777. Cool eh. Haha.

18) Helping me through the night before my Paediatrics EOPT and getting me through it on the day itself though it was the start of a really interesting season in life

19) For bringing me wonderful verses during my struggle- Psalms 42, Psalms 139, Psalms 23, 1 Peter 5:7, Matthew 6 and wonderful sermons, including this Sunday’s one by Rev. Dr. Isaac on how the Christmas message is “fear not!”

20) For bringing me wonderful people who support me- my parents, Sheena, Charles, Lifeng, Willy, Sheena’s godpa, my BB Captain etc.

21) Crying in despair many many times, and being comforted.

22) Geriatrics posting- Saying grace with my Clinical Group mates. I thank God for the chap at the end of the table.

23) Retreat at Young Methodist Leaders Conference

24) This time during SIP when I almost made a mistake by sending off the wrong blood specimen

25) A peace in knowing I will find Sheena’s file when I went to look for it at NUH. And showing me where to look too (really.)

26) I think each and every single EOPT is a miracle in itself whilst I’m struggling like that

27) God touching the lives of my Sec 2 kids during youth camp

28) Christmas holiday- KL with my family, and times with Sheena

Brokenness.

2010-12-04T18:15:00.003+08:00

Just came back from church youth camp, punctuated by having to go to school every day. Yet I'm rather glad I went for it- just another reminder that there's more to life than schooling and examinations. That, I feel is my problem now- I have cultivated an incredibly bad and crippling habit of looking at life with a super narrow perspective. Frankly, I have made the March exams a huge idol in my life, and this seems like a very painful call to return put Jesus first in my life again. Lord, please help me.

The verse which has been of much thought these few days is Romans 5:3-5 "And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulations produces perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us."

Pastor Jasper talked about how we need to be broken to be molded by God. Lord, I feel all the brokenness and not much molding. I just feel weak.

Nevertheless, I give thanks to God for a few things- for bringing me closer to Dad and Mom, for showing me how I have been so consumed with pride and chasing after the world. I just pray for patience and strength, and that He will come quickly to save me. Please Lord, have mercy on me.

Difficult.

2010-11-30T00:13:00.004+08:00

It's a tough tough season. Lord, please help me

The Reason I Sing by Jimmy Needham

If it’s just to top a song chart

To feed the kids and get a bigger car

The sky’s already got enough stars

And they all sing Your name

And if I’m here to write a number one

To get a gold or maybe platinum

Make me a singer who is unsung

'Cause You won’t share Your fame

'Cause even accolades some day will fade away

Just like me

Yes, everything but You

Many years from now it won’t matter how

Why I write the rhymes I do

Help me get back to the reason I sing for You

I’m always looking for the limelight

To dim the house and make the stages bright

Compared to You I’m just a nightlight

Against the blazing Sun

I enter rooms and hope they notice me

To fill my social insecurities

I’m asking is there any hope for me?

'Cause there’s only room here for one

Why are we so convinced a bigger audience

Is simply common sense to have?

Maybe success is measured best by nothing less than our obedience

So if I'm destined for a small stage

The small crowds and the small pay

And maybe even in a small way

I can bring You fame

Difficult.

2010-11-30T00:13:00.002+08:00

It's a tough tough season. Lord, please help me

The Reason I Sing by Jimmy Needham

If it’s just to top a song chart

To feed the kids and get a bigger car

The sky’s already got enough stars

And they all sing Your name

And if I’m here to write a number one

To get a gold or maybe platinum

Make me a singer who is unsung

'Cause You won’t share Your fame

'Cause even accolades some day will fade away

Just like me

Yes, everything but You

Many years from now it won’t matter how

Why I write the rhymes I do

Help me get back to the reason I sing for You

I’m always looking for the limelight

To dim the house and make the stages bright

Compared to You I’m just a nightlight

Against the blazing Sun

I enter rooms and hope they notice me

To fill my social insecurities

I’m asking is there any hope for me?

'Cause there’s only room here for one

Why are we so convinced a bigger audience

Is simply common sense to have?

Maybe success is measured best by nothing less than our obedience

So if I'm destined for a small stage

The small crowds and the small pay

And maybe even in a small way

I can bring You fame

The man I want to be.

2010-11-14T20:24:00.002+08:00

By God's grace, I will soon be a doctor. I'm quite tempted to write a long tirade about what I think the problem with my dear medical school is, but I shall restrain myself and consider what sort of doctor I want to see myself coming out of it- or rather, perhaps, how I want to finish this leg of the race.

1) I want to study to be a good doctor, not for the silly exams.

The more I consider the examinations, the variables and the big difference it has with being a doctor proper, I just find it a bit absurd to be so preoccupied with passing these examinations. This, is my great struggle- for I have a terrible habit of focusing my life around examinations. I pray that the Lord will help me to refocus on what's important again. Frankly, I also don't know what's the big deal with taking longer than others to be more competent.

2) I want to be a Godly man FIRST, then doctor second.

This, to be taken in the context of the first, of course. Yet it means that whilst I study, I make sure that I keep my eyes upon Jesus and how I can be a blessing. What struck me recently was how I was wasting good blessing-days whilst studying. If I keep my eyes on Jesus, I can bless others even now whilst I study. I don't need a degree to be God's blessing today, so why put that on hold?

3) I want to have a wider perspective of things

I feel as if over the past few years, I feel as if I am a bird who suddenly realised that he's trapped in a box of medicine. Haha. That is terrible perspective to have. How often do I consider the blessings I have had thus far? How often do I remember that there are people out there who need Jesus, who are suffering with their own difficulties too? I had a talk with Dad tonight and it struck me how it's so true that to us, many people seem as though they're having it good- but everyone, human as they are, struggle. It's also why I like to travel or just look around a bit- Life is not all medicine. Thank God for Sheena, for family, for friends, for ministry, for Jesus

4) I want to have a Godly perspective of things

It's funny how things stick to you sometimes. I remember going on night call with a HO who told me how petrifying the finals were and how he was glad he was over it. I remember thinking to myself too that I would trade places with him there and then. Then I thought to myself- who says that taking the finals has to be a petrifying episode? I remember the word of God tells me in Psalms 139 that God not only knows what's going to happen, but promises His presence always. Thus I increasingly pray not for God to help me pass (though that'll be very nice, thank you Lord), but that I will commit myself into His hands and His plans.

5) I want to remember God's goodness

It's almost the end of 2010 now, and usually when we come to the end of things, we remember what God has brought us through the year. I want to do that as I come to the end of this academic year too- to spend some time (as much as time affords), to remember God's goodness over the past 5 years and in my life thus far. Of course, surely I can do that after the exams and when everything is relaxed right? Well yes, but for an anxious person as I am, calling to mind all the mercies of God in my life is like good medicine.

As I type this, I begin to wonder if it sounds all a bit crazy to the world. Yes, perhaps it is. But I'm a Christian. A stranger in the world looking for a fuller rest. Good thing I don't fit in then.

So Lord please help me.

Proposition 19

2010-11-02T00:15:00.003+08:00

"Regulating and taxing marijuana would simultaneously save taxpayers billions of dollars in enforcement and incarceration costs, while providing many billions of dollars in revenue annually,"- George Soros

There is something deeply sickening in that statement.

Pots.

2010-10-27T21:11:00.006+08:00

I had this interesting thought tonight-

Imagine if we all were little pots. Each of us covered with a thick coat of grime- Black and filthy. Along the way, all of us, at some point in our potty existence, decide to do some self-reflection.

Some pots, noting how dirty they are of themselves, try to scrub the grime off. They scrub left, they scrub right (my imagination fails me at how pots can scrub themselves, but let's pretend they can), or maybe they try to help scrub each other. Perhaps in fleeting moments, they feel just a bit cleaner, yet the same dissatisfaction comes back. The same gnawing restlessness of being unfinished. A 'something-missing' sensation. Alas, they spend their whole existence in this unhappy endeavor.

Amongst these, some pots then begin to deny the grime and claim that black dirty pots are all they will ever be, so there. In fact, they deny the existence of anyone out there who can clean them, the great irony being that they're not really sure who they're referring to either.

However, some pots, acknowledging both their utter dirtiness and helplessness, desperately go searching for someone or something to make them clean. In fact, for the longest time, the master has been calling for us potty friends to come wash and be made anew. Calling and calling. Free wash, just come. Now, imagine not having had a bath for ages and then washed clean by the master's cleansing. Wow. Makes me remember the bath I had after army field camp. Haha. Awesome.

Now,

Do not both the modern Atheist and Christian feel that they do not stand condemned?

Yet, perhaps the greatest deficit of the former,

Is that he has none greater than himself, for himself.

Furthermore, perhaps he has unwittingly caged himself in a world of himself.

Worth reflecting on.

2010-10-25T21:49:00.006+08:00

Lord God I have never spoken to you,

Now I want to say 'how do you do?'

You see God they told me you didn’t exist,

And like a fool I believed all this.

Last night from a shell hole I saw your sky,

I figured right then they had told me a lie.

Had I taken time to see the things you’ve made,

I’d have known they weren’t calling a spade, a spade.

I wonder God if you’ll take my hand?

Somehow I feel that you’ll understand.

Funny I had to come to this hellish place,

Before I had time to see your face.

Well I guess there isn’t much more to say,

But I’m sure glad God I met you today.

I guess zero hour will soon be here,

But I’m not afraid since I know you’re near.

The signal, well God I’ll have to go,

I like you a lot so I want you to know.

Look now this’ll be a horrible fight,

Who knows I may come to your house tonight.

Though I wasn’t friendly to you before,

I wonder God if you’d wait at your door?

Look I’m crying, I’m shedding tears,

I’ll have to go now God, good-bye.

Strange now since I’ve met you,

I’m not afraid to die.

- Vietnam War Soldier, Unknown.

The problem of wealth

2010-10-24T22:02:00.006+08:00

The problem of wealth has been on my mind of late. Most people talk about the problem of poverty, which I absolutely agree is a problem indeed, but few of the other end of the spectrum. Yet since wealth is distributed, and we don't live on little islands by ourselves, I think that it's a problem at least worth pondering upon. In particular, rich Christians. Myself included, though I do like to think myself as a poor medical student.

My issue is this- I feel as though many wealthy Christians just have NO idea how to deal with wealth. I don't doubt the fact that they may be savvy with their financial planning and all that, but I'm not so sure of whether they know what the Bible tells us about the dangers of chasing wealth, discontentment and consumerism.

I find myself soaked in a wealthy ministry. Wealthy, unfortunately, in the worldly sense and not in the Godly sense. My heart aches for the latter. Just the extent to which Sunday School kids' parents spoil them nauseates me. Frankly, with all due respect, I don't see the point of owning a pony in Singapore- and the messages the kid gets out of it. Or worse, their peers. Sometimes I wonder if the exasperation which comes from my Sunday School teaching lies in the very fact that these kids have SUCH a comfortable life that they don't see the need for Jesus at all. Very sad to watch. Since I can't do anything else besides keep attempting to drum some Christianity into them, it's just painful to watch them self-destruct.

Lord, in your mercy.

We were sitting at a friend's pretty home this afternoon for cell, doing the book "The Race" by Rev. Dr. Solomon. The topic for the day, as though befitting the scene, was on "Travelling light" and the wonders of a life without the clutter of consumerism. It just struck me whilst I was sitting there that even the book was written specifically for Christians who have already been blessed with much, and the great spiritual struggle which, albeit plainly obvious, is brushed over. How many Christians know how riches from God is to be used, how many truly give thanks? It makes me wonder- if God outrightly told us to really love our poor(er) neighbor with what He has blessed us with, whether we would or not.

Wait. He already did. We know that- right?

Or, perhaps we DO know, but it simply stops in our head.

So great is the problem I see that sometimes I even wonder if wealth is really a blessing or not. For if greater wealth leads to a distancing from Jesus and the contentment of the soul which He gives, then I'm not sure if I want any part of it. It seems to me that Christ meeting our needs is blessing indeed, but once it's past that threshold, the true value of wealth depends on the recipient's response, at the very least, inwardly. Worse still- we don't even know what "our needs" are anymore. To me, that seems rather dangerous- because we just lump everything as blessings. And 'having been blessed' lulls the brain into thinking we're somewhat on the right page with God.

My deep fear and sorrow tonight is that I think of the Parable of the Rich Man who could not give up his riches and follow Jesus, I see so many people in church who would "at this the man's face fell. He went away sad, because he had great wealth." (Mark 10:22)

I felt so ashamed before God today.

Lord, in your mercy.

"Listen, my dear brothers: Has not God chosen those who are poor in the eyes of the world to be rich in faith and to inherit the kingdom he promised those who love him?" (James 2:5)

Coup de grâce

2010-10-16T23:22:00.005+08:00

I decided to take my cell group through a discussion yesterday on suffering and the Christian response. I hadn't had much time to prepare a lesson in the first place, being rather tired from a long day at NUH, so it was very much of praying that the Holy Spirit will guide us and diving into it. Suffering has been a topic very close to my heart of late- through the events over the last few weeks, and perhaps especially over what my friend's mother had said to me in the midst of her deep pain.

I feel as though a robust discussion on the topic of suffering in the Christian walk is very much avoided these days. Perhaps it's the way we undervalue suffering in this day and age. We remove it pronto. We have an arsenal of drugs for physical pain, psychiatry for mental and emotional pain and a whole plethora of authors telling us how to escape from the reality of suffering. (Worse- Christian authors telling us the same). Sure, no one likes to suffer, and Christianity is certainly not masochistic or sadistic in any way- Yet in our effort to snuff every instance of it out of life, perhaps we have forgotten the very purpose of suffering in the first place.

Cautiously I approach- could this be an unfortunate side effect of all our progress in medicine? It seems as if these days we struggle with the weakness of man. We refuse to accept it, desperately grab control, fail, then conveniently dump the blame on God. The more control we feel we have through progress, the harder we dump our blame when we fail. Then, in a bit of twisted logic, claim incompatibility between our loving and powerful God and beloved and humbled man. Frankly, it seems like we either insist on being God, or deciding what He should be. We all echo Adam's fall.

Anyhow, first we went on discussing on how suffering allows us to realize the humanity of ourselves, the weakness in that humanity and man's need for God. Remembering that even so, God has no pleasure whatsoever in the suffering process. Then on to how almost every person in the Bible suffered, and how we see God doing wonderful works and plans in His time- our example for this being Joseph being sold off by his brothers. On we went.

Then, to my very pleasant surprise (as if I had been blinded toward the blatantness temporarily), we ended up at the foot of the cross. And I am utterly convinced that the most powerful answer to the problem of suffering IS calvary- where love and sorrow flow mingled down. Our loving God suffering is the reply to a suffering world loved by God.

That, to me at least, is just mind-blowing. I spent much time after cell just swimming in that wonderful thought.

Sure, we would have come to the same conclusion reading books on pain by Lewis, Yancey or any properly-focussed apologetic. Yet it's truly such a wonderful, joyous feeling to be led to our coup de grace by Love Himself.

3 thoughts

2010-10-10T23:11:00.002+08:00

3 things on my mind I'll like to pen down.

I've been thinking about what heaven will be like, specifically as to whether I'll have all my questions answered. There's just been so much going on these few days and so many questions in my mind. I pondered upon this for quite some time, and came to a conclusion of sorts that I won't. At least not all of them. Perhaps the more important ones will be answered through the glorifying of Christ in some way I yet cannot see now. The rest, well, will probably fade into oblivion in the beauty and presence of God. After all, I think that if God really answered all my questions, I'll spend the rest of eternity seeking knowledge- which seems uncannily similar to what the devil's tempt at the garden of Eden was.

The second is more a personal reflection on the year so far. It's been very much bittersweet. So much grace from the Lord, so much pain in the process. Whilst waiting at the Barber's for my turn this evening, I looked through a set of photos I keep in my phone, and thought about what God's led me through. It's just incredible that He's blessed me with my overseas elective (and trip thereafter), an overseas conference and a paper published (the irony being in how it was meant to just be a mere side project! Haha).

These I remember with much fondness when I think about them- Sitting in the Jewish General cafeteria at night waiting for my shift to start and reading Psalms. Listening to "You alone can rescue" and being comforted in my loneliness. Praying very hard that God will keep me safe at 1am walking back from Place des arts metro to the residence. Feeling the pure joy of being in the midst of a small Christian church worshiping together on a cold morning. Praising God for His wonderful creation in Parc Angrignon. Sheer relief when my carpool arrangement from Quebec City to Montreal did arrive. Running out onto the street when I saw it snowing outside. Sitting at immigration at the US-Canada border in the middle of the night and shaking in the cold. Sitting in Boston Commons with a bunch of random friends from the hostel. Just thanking God that I had Daryl and friends for company for a week. Smashing crabs in Baltimore, haha. Walking up Broadway at night, realising I had dropped my vest, running back a few streets to find it on the ground, then walking again with much rejoicing in my heart. Praying in the middle of a big field in Central Park on a Saturday. Cycling out to Gamla Uppsala and feeling the wind in my hair. Doing quiet time in the quietness of the common area of the Uppsala hostel on the day of my presentation and being comforted by Nehemiah 6:9 "But I prayed, 'now strengthen my hands'". Sitting down along the bank of an Uppsala river and praying with a random UK Christian friend. Sitting atop a rock outcrop on one of the Stockholm archipelago islands, watching the sunset and feeling my heart bursting with praise for God. Relief at being on the plane after a mad rush to catch my flight, having realised the hostel didn't return my passport to me!

Haha. So much more- I think I can go on and on and on.

Marc, has not God been so good to you? Lord, please forgive me.

The third is regarding my friends who call themselves "Progressive", with as much love as I can muster, I just wonder- my friend, where are you progressing to? And to what end?

Be still

2010-10-05T00:54:00.002+08:00

Be Still and Know

Steven Curtis Chapman

Be still and know that He is god
Be still and know that He is holy
Be still oh restless soul of mine
Bow before the Prince of peace
Let the noise and clamor cease

Be still and know that He is god
Be still and know that He is faithful
Consider all that He has done
Stand in awe and be amazed
And know that He will never change
Be still

Be still and know that He is god
Be still and know that He is god
Be still and know that He is god

Be still
Be speechless

Be still and know that He is god
Be still and know He is our Father
Come rest your head upon His breast
Listen to the rhythm of
His unfailing heart of love
Beating for His little ones
Calling each of us to come
Be still

Be still

2010-10-03T20:50:00.002+08:00

I don't know what to think, Lord.

How to praise you in this?

Please guide me, Jesus.

Surrendering

2010-09-26T23:01:00.004+08:00

God has been so faithful. It's been 6 weeks now, and I feel as if God is bringing me from one lesson to the next.

Surrender. I've taught surrender for a long long time. Yet I feel as if God is calling me to surrender, and it's proving to be MOST difficult. 6 weeks ago, I was en route to applying for Internal Medicine residency heading towards Palliative Care. Now, I've just let the dateline pass- not that God doesn't agree with the residency system or anything (haha), but I just feel that I've had enough of rushing into things on my own and having this iron grip on where I want my life to go. Enough.

But enough doesn't mean done deal. I'd love to just be able to trust God with my tomorrows. I really do. I have these moments when my mind starts to project what I want/envision things to be, and then the anxious feelings come flooding in. And for the longest time, I sought God in asking Him where I should go with my life and almost pleading with Him to show me where everything is heading. Silence. Very painful, initially upsetting silence. Then increasingly I feel this beauty in just being able to be surprised by where God leads daily. This, for a sort of control-freak like I am, is no joke. I won't say I'm entirely comfortable with it yet- it actually makes me really anxious in the morning. Haha. But yes, waking earlier and focusing on Jesus is doing wonders :)

A broken and contrite heart, Lord, you will not despise.

Psalms 139

¹ O Lord, you have searched me
and you know me.

² You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.

³ You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.

⁴ Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.

⁵ You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.

⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

⁷ Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

⁸ If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

⁹ If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,

¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

¹¹ If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"

¹² even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

¹³ For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

¹⁶ your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

¹⁷ How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!

¹⁸ Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.

¹⁹ If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!

²⁰ They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.

²¹ Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
and abhor those who rise up against you?

²² I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.

²³ Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.

²⁴ See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

Isn't this is just rich, beautiful stuff? Thank you Lord.

Child-like Faith

2010-09-17T23:36:00.003+08:00

"I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it."- Mark 10:15

How is anything so easy and difficult at the same time?

YMLC 2010

2010-09-14T23:16:00.002+08:00

YMLC was great! Haha. I particularly loved the sermons by the Bishop and the CAC president. When the Bishop was speaking of himself trying to figure out what God wanted him to do whilst he was in the middle of med school and how he nearly went to quit, I was thinking to myself- Hey! That sounds a bit like what I feel! Haha. Not that I have any ambition whatsoever to be a minister.. yet. I felt as if I did meet with the Lord- not as if he said anything much in particular, not as if I had any emotional experience either, but it feels as if He was just close by.

Doing ID posting now and looking at a rather different cut of society. I actually liked it- it reminds me that there are people out there in the world whom God loves and are just in such need. I'd surely consider ID as a career option if it didn't have the absurd amount of theory involved. Haha. I still pray that God will make me increasingly sensitive to the Holy Spirit's promptings to where I should go from here.

Today I was thinking about churches out there which preach prosperity gospel. First off, I do not agree with their theology. Yet I think that my stance has changed a fair bit. Previously, I posted that I think the God which they preach (prosper them etc etc) might not be the same as whom I worship. Now I don't think that's very true actually. My initial assumption was that I was able to judge knowing God perfectly myself. Yet I cannot. Yes, I know certain things about Him in the Bible, which point me away from the doctrine aforementioned, yet just as my other Christian brother/sister in whatever church out there, I am imperfect too, and my knowledge of God IS imperfect. (I pray that it gets perfected, of course).

Thus perhaps when we look at this matter, it would be similar to knowing another friend: Can two people love someone and have a relationship/friendship with them even in the midst of an imperfect knowledge of this person? Most certainly so. Thus, it is genuine relationship with Jesus that matters. Again, no one goes to heaven as a church.

Yes yes. Lots more can be said about that, and many caveats.

I just thank God I'm enjoying my journey with Jesus very much these days.

A broken and contrite heart...

2010-09-08T19:00:00.003+08:00

These days, it feels as if I'm not sure what my role on earth is- which puts me in a bit of an existential crisis perhaps. It's as if I know what my end goal is- to finish the race and fight the good fight of faith- yet I'm not entirely sure what the race and the fight is about. Yes indeed there is the fight against the things which draw us away from God and the throwing off of the things that entangle, but each of us also live. I, for one, am a son, boyfriend, brother, friend, student and cell group leader. Yet I feel that sometimes I'm just existing for the sake of existing, and perhaps I have lost sight of the eternal value to which all this is for.

The most difficult part of it is my studies, which is sort of ironic, since everyone talks about how doctors are in great positions to serve God. Yet somehow medicine has become a hurdle more than a joy. It seems like a job more than anything, and I question the amount of influence doctors have on the lives of patients these days. Yes, lives are saved. Yet lives saved in terms of the prolonging of human life. I have this urge to tell the world about Jesus and their need for salvation. I cannot. It is deemed unprofessional and intrusive. Perhaps that makes the agony all the worse- because it feels like I'm so close to a person Jesus loves SO much, yet kept so far away.

I'm looking forward to YMLC tomorrow evening till Sunday. I want to go there expecting to meet Jesus and refocusing life again, yet I want to give Him the liberty to choose to come. What a difficult place to be- I long for Him so much. Yet I don't just want an emotional experience, I want to be changed to be used for Him. Lord, a broken and contrite heart, you will not despise. I welcome the retreat of sorts.

Just on a side, I got a day off school after having pulled my wisdom teeth yesterday. Starting on "The Cross of Christ" by John Stott as gentle reading as I continue my journey with God through this rather.. interesting.. patch.

Jump!

2010-09-04T22:25:00.002+08:00

There's a spot along Chancery where Dad used to pick me up after school- where there used to be one of those old orange-beige bus stops, a bunch of trees, a long tree root and a drain running by the side. Good times.

I remember a bunch of us climbing up to sit on the horizontal bars of the bus stop, the paint peeling off beneath, wondering when my Dad would come along in his red Rover. Then there was the trudging around, hunting for saga seeds to make up my personal collection- which I still have in some obscure corner of my room. Haha. I stopped counting after I hit my target of 1234. I also remember us balancing and walking along the long tree root running from the bus stop to the base of Barker Road hill.

And then there was the drain. The drain with tadpoles waiting to be caught and brought home to be grown up and.. well.. flushed away. Haha. The drain with a high ledge on one side and lower patch of soft grass on the other. For the longest time, I looked at the rest of the guys jump across the drain and wondering if I could too. One day I just did, and the feeling was super. I ran back up to the ledge and jumped again and again. Till Dad came to pick me home. Till we moved away from Barker to the Ah Hood Road holding school.

It's been 12 years now. And I happened to once again be picked up at that same spot tonight, after Sunday School teachers appreciation dinner. This time, I'm looking out for a Silver Camry. They removed the bus stop, the rectangular base a shadow of what once was. The trees behind have been replaced by a carpark, the tree root inevitably sacrificed in the process. All that remains is the good old drain, the ledge and soft grass.

I had the most awesome time jumping across that drain again tonight. Not sure what people driving by thought of a young man happily jumping over the edge over and over again.

Well, who cares.

God has been faithful bringing me to where I am now- and He hasn't changed either.

Awesome.

He is faithful.

2010-09-03T19:25:00.002+08:00

End of week 3 of journeying. Thank God.

You never let go- Matt Redman

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I'm caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won't turn back
I know you are near

And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We'll live to know You here on the earth

Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You

You alone can rescue

2010-09-02T22:50:00.002+08:00

Almost the end of my third week of journey. I won't really call it a struggle anymore since I find myself learning many lessons along the way- and I don't want to keep thinking that I'm in a struggle when I know that one day God will lead me into the sunshine. God, as always, has been faithful, and it comforts me knowing that He's there.

Interestingly when I look at myself now and some time back before all this, I find myself really changing inside. Somehow the temptations which held me last time are simply falling away, and I'm beginning to truly treasure the things that God has blessed me with. I have good conversations with my parents, I'm learning wonderful things about Sheena I'd never known and there's Jesus. The preciousness of Jesus and His word. So precious.

I listened to Matt Redman's "You alone can rescue" tonight and remembering moments when I was sitting in my room in Montreal, alone and being comforted by the words.

'We lift up our eyes, we lift up our eyes, You're the giver of life'

Leaning, Listening, Learning.

2010-08-26T23:07:00.003+08:00

God has been most faithful. This last one week and a half have been most trying, but most precious. I still struggle with my anxiety, and I really feel like the dumps when it comes. Yet, there's this knowledge that I'm where I'm supposed to be.

This 'holiday' started off with the crash. Haha. What a crash. I've never cried so much in my life before, and to so many people. It felt like there was a 'thunder' put inside my heart which was roaring inside and no matter what people said, and what sort of advice they gave, it just felt like all these people just didn't understand. Worse- I had ALL sorts of advice left, right and centre. People telling me to go straight to a psychiatrist, people telling me to seek God first, people telling me to separate out physical symptoms and spiritual walk, or telling me that it's one and the same. All in the best of intentions, and it got me most confused.

Then I began to have this quiet prompting in my heart- that's as much as I can explain it. Haha. Just know. And then peace. Not the peace which would kick the anxiety the very next moment. I was most impatient and would have certainly loved it to be so. But no. Peace in knowing that amidst all this madness, I'm okay. Crying, but okay. If that makes any sense. Haha.

Yet God brought so many wonderful encouragements and people along the way. I thank God for Sheena, Charles, my BB captain, Sheena's godpa, etc. Psalms 42 was one, Psalms 139 was the other- especially in knowing that I am fearfully and wonderfully made, and that He searches my heart and knows my anxious thoughts. Just such a comfort. I felt myself REALLY hungry for Him. It's as if suddenly I was made aware of how long I hadn't fed off Christ.

The rest is too personal and not for here. Lessons upon lessons. Thank God :)

Jesus, please.

2010-08-18T00:44:00.005+08:00

I'm taking a leap of faith.

It scares the crap out of me.

But I'm going to give it a shot.

God, I'm trusting you.

Tough times.

2010-08-16T22:57:00.002+08:00

1 Peter 5:7- "Cast your anxiety on Him because He cares for you"

Heard a sermon on Piper recently on this.

What better reason can there be not to be anxious?!

Yet I pray that God will help me,

Because I'm struggling.

In fact, I feel like I'm in the biggest spiritual battle of my life.

"Rend" by Jimmy Needham

You’ve been tarnished
And you’ve been stained
And all the varnish you’ve used to cover up with is peeling away

Yet even now, return to me with nothing less
Than your wounded, broken heart
And cling to Me, your gracious King
Be shattered glass of empty jars and rend
Rend, rend, rend
Rend your hearts

I don’t need a grand display
Show me that your heart has changed
I don’t need a show
Only just to know your own heart breaks

Meditations

2010-08-12T22:47:00.003+08:00

"Now I know that the Lord serves His anointed; He answers him from His holy heaven with the saving power of His right hand. Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God."- Psalms 20:6-7

Took time off tonight to spend time with God though there's Psych and Paeds end of posting tests over the next 2 days.

Best decision in a long time.

Science is not my god.

2010-08-10T22:23:00.003+08:00

Changed the layout of the blog cause I just needed a break and write something- which was when I noticed that it was such a depressing sight. Haha.

I've had many many thoughts over the past few days, especially whilst doing psych. One of which is anxiety- it always reminds me of the earlier part of this year and pathology exams. It reminds me of how God was faithful to bring me through the exams, of how the Bible tells us in Philippians not to be anxious about anything and receiving the peace of God which surpasses all understanding. It reminds me of how Jesus tells us not to worry and see how God provides for the lilies of the field and the birds of the air.

Yet these days, everything seems to be made into science and though I have no great grudge against science, I think that sometimes it fails to fully address what life as it really is. It's so different to look at a beautiful scenery and think of it ecologically, geographically and get one's mind into all sorts of knots than to just stand there and feel real good inside 'bout it. Really, who cares what sort of chemicals are running through me or neuronal synapses in my head which makes me feel such emotions.

Therefore, thinking scientifically seems to cause one to miss the point many times.

Yet medical school is very much about scientific thinking. Increasingly, I begin to realise that perhaps that is why I want to do Palliative care all along. Only when death is so close then science fails. I suspect I secretly like science to fail.

Anyway, I came across this verse yesterday during QT (on National Day)- "But seek the welfare of this city where I have sent you into exile, and pray to the Lord on its behalf, for in its welfare you will find your welfare." Jeremiah 29:7. Hmm.

Had a dream about spiritual warfare yesterday night and found myself praying out of it. Hmm.

Oh and the words on the picture are from this great song called "You are Holy" by Michael W. Smith. Brought me much joy when I was anxious this evening. :)

My cup overflows

2010-07-25T18:59:00.002+08:00

The reason why I hardly write on this blog is threefold- the first being that life has been so incredibly busy that I scarce have time to breathe. Haha. The second that it seems rather pointless to write here anymore, the third being that increasingly I find blogging rather me-centric.

I've been in limbo as to whether I should close it completely or occasionally log the mercies of God in my life. For the moment, I'll keep it for the latter purpose.

God has blessed me with much over the past 2 months. Sweden went very well indeed. Much loneliness, but much joy too. My ethics paper which brought me much joy and pain was accepted by an international journal, and my second paper came along faster than I expected. So far I've been through Pediatrics and IM SIP and both have been going well, thank God :)

My struggle at this moment is with my Youth ministry- sometimes it really feels like I'm losing my Sec 2 kids.. The attendance is, as it is, dismal, and sometimes it makes me wonder if there's something I'm doing wrong. I have come to the sad conclusion that if the they don't want to draw close to God, they simply won't, and there's no use in forcing it down their throats either. Yet it's such a painful thing to concede.

I'm also struggling with my priorities in life- I went for the Singhealth symposium recently and the prospect of the future ahead seems to be more apparent than ever. There's the need to decide whether I'm going to do Internal Medicine or Family Medicine- I have about 2 months to pray and consider.

Suddenly, I feel more vulnerable than ever before. Thank God for the cross.

Incredible.

2010-06-02T23:35:00.003+08:00

Believe it or not, I have actually finished reading Beauchamp and Childress' Principles in Biomedical Ethics 5th AND 6th edition, both cover to cover, AND made notes

To-do list:

1) Send ethics paper to Dr. Debbie

2) Administer questionnaires for Decision Making research. Pray that I can somehow reach 25.

3) Review powerpoint slides with Dr. Lalit

4) Get paperwork done up for next week's conference

5) Prepare letter to send to Sec 2 parents

6) Prepare Church Youth Cell group lesson for this Friday

7) Go for camp meeting on Friday evening

8) Prepare BB Cell group lesson for this Saturday

9) Analyse and tabulate data for research

10) Return library books

11) Visit dermatologist

12) Arrange meeting with Lifeng to handover

13) Send email to Canada chasing them for my evaluation form

14) Print namecards

15) Collect Hostelling International card

16) Go through Mental Capacity Act, 25 articles and 'Principles in Decision Making'

17) Pack

This will bring me to Wednesday.

Haiz.

2010-05-30T23:26:00.001+08:00

Lord, what am I not doing right in my Sunday school class?

Good to be home.

2010-05-20T12:45:00.003+08:00

Glad to be home. Haha. I think it's always nice to have somewhere and someone to come home to, which makes me consider the difficulty when Christ tells us that the Son of man has no place to lay his head. I mean, it's nice to be on holiday, to crash friend's homes whilst one is at it and all that, but to know that there's a home. Ah. Imagine what the eternal rest which Hebrews describes would be like. Ah. Haha. I think I'm growing old.

Which is probably one of the reasons why I don't feel like writing here so much anymore. Sometimes it feels like I have to craft a nice speech of what my life is right now, when I'd rather tell people straight how I'm doing. And everything here is rather superficial, which makes even the process of writing a dread. Haha.

Thus I really might move this blog private- though I've been saying that for ages. Haha.

God has been really good to me =) I thank Him for keeping me safe on my journey alone and for teaching me many many lessons along the way. Much joys, much pains. Thank God, more joys than pains. Haha. But I think travelling is such a privilege that so many of us take for granted, including myself.

Some things which I thank God for:

1) Keeping me safe for the 48 days

2) Almost knocked down by a car, but didn't

3) Sending someone to give me directions when I was lost

4) Helping me go through work- esp. the crazy all french-speaking day

5) Friends- Petrina and her Singaporean bunch, Victor and Zhiguang

6) Opening my door which I had locked myself out of by intelligently hooking my clothesline to the door with a great deal of tension

7) Getting to the bus stop early- I thought the last bus from Hospital back was at 1:20 plus, so I took my own sweet time. It was at 1:07. I arrived at 1:05. Haha.

8) Enough money- I left Montreal with 69 cents. Haha.

9) Snow and Rainbows

10) I dropped my vest walking back to Zhiguang's place. I walked 4 blocks back and it was there.

Eh?

2010-04-17T09:47:00.003+08:00

I am sitting here wondering-

What am I doing here,

In Montreal,

Alone.

Post-Call

2010-04-14T05:38:00.002+08:00

I'm supposed to be in bed resting for my night shift later, but I got woken up by some guy in my residence who was announcing to the whole world that he was tired. Well, I'd say. Anyway, I'm sort of getting used to life here- the system, the cost of everything, the fact that I can't speak French. Haha. But everything's coming along =)

I was just thinking about the craziness of this whole idea from the offset. A French place almost as far as I can get from Singapore. Alone. Actually, it is quite a foolish decision somewhat. Haha. Yet whilst I'm here, God has been very gracious, teaching me many things and bringing me through many trials. Sometimes I find that in life I surround myself with many people whom I love and take God for granted- almost as if I'm trying to replace Him to make up for a sordid relationship. And though we often tell ourselves "He must increase and I must decrease", the diminishing of "I" includes the other people which we use to prop ourselves up- something which I find lacking in myself, and only acutely aware since I've got here.

Thus it's sort of a good time to recollect my life and draw close to God before year 5 begins. I envisioned this sabbatical to be somewhat different- there's just so much to think about here: Where I should get my next meal, when to do groceries and laundry, how I should manage my funds, how I'm going to get back at 1am. Frankly, there's a lot less joy than what I'd expected. Haha. But it's good- everyday I thank God for His grace, because I find myself very thirsty and in much need for it. It's in this that I rejoice, not just seeing many beautiful places and feeling.. happiness. No, it's painful joy, but such precious joy.

Also, I thank God for many things which I don't cherish when I'm back home- I thank God for family, for Sheena, for my friends, for finances, for education, for safety, for friends, and for Jesus and His love. I think I take many things for granted. Then again, when I found that I have had few of these to hold on to, God fills my cup again. Haha. His grace is sufficient for me indeed. =)

Now for night call number 2. Haha. I actually am enjoying work quite a bit- I have much to say about the Singaporean education system, but I just wrote on how I am thankful for many things. So I better keep quiet and be thankful. For now. Haha. =p

Montreal

2010-04-06T19:11:00.003+08:00

I started my first day at the Jewish General on Monday, which was incredibly difficult because they wanted me to start clerking patients and doing all the paperwork etc.. First, I don't speak French and somehow all my patients did- fortunately, all of them had English speaking relatives too, though I took very long to do up my clerking.. Then the paperwork's just absurd- I had no idea how to fill my forms, and who to give them to, and how to use their computer system.. They also had this stamping system for their patients. What a mess for me. Haha.

Travelling there is another issue- the hospital's on the other side of town.. I don't mind taking the metro, but it's really expensive to do so.. I had also better not miss the last metro out, if not I'll be stranded there, which very appalling. Haha.

Perhaps the most difficult part is being alone.. It made me realise how often we love to cling on to the things we hold dear- going to church, hanging out with Singaporeans here (thank God for Petrina and her friends, if not I think I'll be even more sian), being able to webcam home and Sheena.. So much for thinking that I like being alone- well, I'm quite sure I don't anymore. Haha. But I do thank God that I can come here and learn stuff like that.. And like what it means to be a stranger on this world seeking an eternal rest (the people in my residence hold totally different values)..

I pray that God will help me through, for He's the rock that is higher than I (Psalms 62:1)

Plans

2010-03-22T21:01:00.002+08:00

I haven't written for some time because life has been incredibly busy of late- there's just so much things to do: I rushed out my ethics essay, had to pop by Sec 1-3 camp, sunday school teachers' training, prepare for my trip, read up my cardiology theory.. I think I'm more busy now than I was during normal school time. So I decided to take some time tonight to stop and reflect upon life so far.

These few days, I hear a lot about plans. Plans which people make, plans which people say I should make and so on. For some time, I really thought hard about these. They sound like very good plans indeed- I mean, it only makes sense that if I want to do Palliative medicine, then I better start thinking about how to get there too. Yet alongside, I find myself incredibly weak. Weak in every aspect- and in desperate need for God. And at the end of the day, frankly,

"In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps."- Proverbs 16:9

Lord, I rather have You.

Tomorrow?!

2010-03-02T20:34:00.003+08:00

Here we go again.

I got my expected bounce from IRB, asking me to get a site principal investigator and the approval of TWO head of departments. Fine.

Then I get a call asking if I can submit my amendments the next day.

ARE YOU RAVING MAD?!

Sheesh.

Of course, I had to be much more polite.

Gideon

2010-02-28T20:42:00.002+08:00

I went for this excellent talk by a nurse from the UK on Friday, on how to identify death and the process of dying. It's very encouraging when Christians are not afraid to share what they hold dear (of course, with relevance to the topic).

I taught on Gideon for class today. I spent hours preparing last night and was so excited to give the word that I had problems falling asleep. Then I went there, poured myself out until my voice started going, and wasn't very satisfied with how it went. It's okay- somehow it usually feels like that. I think being a teacher's such a joy. If I wasn't in medicine, I'd have been a teacher. Or a railroad engineer. Haha.

Headache

2010-02-27T11:21:00.002+08:00

This is to document my frustration at my project. Thus far, I have had to-

1) Come up with a research topic, which I have since revised 4 times

1) Review 20 full articles

2) Review 200 article abstracts

3) Come up with 3 tables of article, context and findings

4) Come up with a questionnaire, which I have since revised 12 times

5) Come up with the consent form, which I have since revised 3 times

6) Come up with the IRB, which I have since revised 7 times

7) Call IRB Department to find out if I can be a principal investigator

8) Arrange two appointments with my deputy head of department for consult

9) Arrange an appointment with my head of department for consult and approval

10) Arrange an appointment with the NCC institutional representative for signature

11) Find out how to meet and submit for SGH institutional representative for signature

12) Get rejected by the above because of some absurd technicality

13) Retrieve my IRB to send in nevertheless to meet the dateline- prepare 10 sets

14) Find an SGH staff so that I can have a site principal investigator

15) Demote myself back to co-investigator

16) Arrange a meeting with the SGH Research manager on monday to sort out the issue

17) Prepare to get IRB's amendment request for an SGH approval

Extremely exasperating.

To the point wherein every time I have to do something more,

I had already expected it somewhat.

Yes.

2010-02-23T20:48:00.000+08:00

I rather have Jesus.

O Glorious Day!

2010-02-23T20:36:00.000+08:00

My research is spinning out of control. It's painful to watch, really. Just when I'm about to clear all my paperwork for the Internal Review Board, my questionnaire gets fully hammered by my head of department (and very justifiably so). Which made me feel as if the project itself, being so full of flaws in itself, isn't worth doing.

Then today my project got extended into doing both inpatients and outpatients, which would boost the power of my study, but it means more difficulty in getting through IRB, and I will probably have to give up my surgery elective in May to do this properly.

Frankly, there are times when I feel like just giving up on this whole project. It has become my great nemesis of sorts. Haha. One of the most painful experiences of my med school life. Sometimes I even get really disillusioned and wonder what the purpose of all this is.

I love this song. It reminds me of what life really is about- Jesus.

One day when Heaven was filled with His praises
One day when sin was as black as could be
Jesus came forth to be born of a virgin
Dwelt among men, my example is He
Word became flesh and the light shined among us
His glory revealed

Living, He loved me
Dying, He saved me
Buried, He carried my sins far away
Rising, He justified freely forever
One day He’s coming
Oh glorious day, oh glorious day

One day they led Him up Calvary’s mountain
One day they nailed Him to die on a tree
Suffering anguish, despised and rejected
Bearing our sins, my Redeemer is He
Hands that healed nations, stretched out on a tree
And took the nails for me

One day the grave could conceal Him no longer
One day the stone rolled away from the door
Then He arose, over death He had conquered
Now He’s ascended, my Lord evermore
Death could not hold Him, the grave could not keep Him
From rising again

One day the trumpet will sound for His coming
One day the skies with His glories will shine
Wonderful day, my Beloved One, bringing
My Savior, Jesus, is mine

CNY

2010-02-13T23:31:00.003+08:00

On the train home recently, I saw this old auntie whip out her Zen MP3 player... And scrolled down to "guo xin nian zu xin nian".

What can I say. Haha.

Give Thanks.

2010-02-12T23:50:00.002+08:00

Today I am reminded that:

Some cannot leave hospital to be with family,

Some don't have family.

Some are not well enough to enjoy CNY food,

Some don't have food.

Some dare not think of what tomorrow holds,

Some don't have tomorrow.

Many have family, food and tomorrow,

Yet don't have Jesus.

Blessings we forget, too oft.

Humbled by Your majesty.

2010-02-12T23:35:00.003+08:00

To be honest, it's kind of nice to know that at the end of the day,

No matter whether you're a C-class or A-class patient,

No matter whether you're a Senior Consultant or a Medical Student,

No matter whether you can walk or have to be pushed around,

No matter whether you can speak well or not,

"that at the name of Jesus, every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the Glory of God the Father."

(Philippians 2:10-11)

So let us humble ourselves.

Ministry- Joy and tears.

2010-02-07T23:03:00.003+08:00

I am rather tired. I would love to have time to sit down, with a warm brew, a comfortable chair and a good book. To just rest.

There's a lot going on in my life now. There's the whole elective which is taking a great deal of my time- I find that I'm coming home to catch up on work. There's my ministries- which mean friday nights and sunday mornings. There's sec 1-3 camp planning, which mean sunday afternoons. There's my cell group, which means saturday mornings. There's my Canada elective + US holiday coming up in April.

There's also Sheena and family, which are joys.

Sometimes I get upset with myself for taking on so much and not spending enough time in God's presence. Sometimes I get upset that no one else seems to care about these ministries. Sometimes I just feel weak in the midst of the burden I have in my heart for these kids. Sometimes I do even wonder if I do these ministries for the wrong reasons.

I don't have an answer to this. Besides to seek His righteousness first.

Pfft.

2010-01-30T23:40:00.002+08:00

You know there's this facebook application which goes-
"On this day, God wants you to know"

Many Christians use it.

I have seen a most foolish comment that we should believe what it generates because God can speak through it as well.

First, i think it's absolutely foolish.

Apparently just cause the word "God" is there makes it sanctified.

It's as foolish as straight off believing any person who tells you the same.

"And no wonder, for Satan himself masquerades as an angel of light."- 2 Corinthians 11:14

Second, every day we should be opening our Bibles to find out what God wants us to know.

We should be in prayer to listen to God Himself.

Not a god-named program.

It should not be used by Christians.

My life now.

2010-01-28T23:11:00.002+08:00

I actually have rather mixed feelings about my Palliative posting, to be honest. On one hand, I love the extravagant amount of time one gets to spend with each patient, and the work-life is really quite good. It's not super exciting, like perhaps surgery, but it's meaningful.

On the other hand, I have this research project which has been my nemesis. I got giddy sitting at the desk reading through hundreds of article abstracts and articles themselves just to create this questionnaire which got (very politely) shot down slowly by one of the senior doctors when I consulted her for help. Then I found out that the internal review board reviews articles on the first day of the month. For all the rushing I had done to push out this beautiful questionnaire, I'm going to miss this dateline because there's just an incredible amount of red tape in the way. Which means that if I actually DO go ahead with the project, I'll be eating into my next elective itself. Not cool.

Which makes me a bit happy that I have Canada to escape to in April because it'll give me an excuse to get away from the department which I'm ironically very fond of. Then again, there's all the reasons why I don't really want to go to Canada either.

Yet you know, in the midst of all these business, I thank God for many blessings. Many many blessings. Lord, forgive me.

Palliative

2010-01-19T21:11:00.003+08:00

I'm exhausted- perhaps because there is just so much to do after the examinations, and since work takes up the most part of the day, I feel like my energy's just totally sapped.

Thank God that I made it through another school year. It is kind of nice to just do a posting without really having to care about whether you're really making a great deal of your time. All I want to do is see things, try to complete this survey (which I am feeling more and more adamant about), and just try to do other things in life while I still get the chance. Looking at what's ahead in life- from June it'll be crazy studying all the way till MBBS, afterwhich work starts and life really goes crazy thereafter.

Perhaps I should have signed up for an elective with the Dean's Office stating that my main objective in this 16 weeks or so is to 1) Rest, 2) Enjoy myself, 3) Seek God more.

Then again, being here AFTER my pathology exams is something special in itself. I've never had such incredible panic attacks before my examinations, and I whatever the cause of it was, I thank God that there was Sheena to support, there was the encouragement card from her parents, there were friends around to pray with, and there was God. Even though it really seemed so difficult to feel His presence, on hindsight, it is wonderful to know that He is faithful even when we are not.

I'm in a very interesting season of my life. I have this burning desire to serve more in my sunday school and cell. Then it feels as if God is growing me- that, I cannot explain. It just feels like that. And it's not exactly a very euphoric feeling knowing that God's growing you- it just is. Then again, perhaps God was always growing me- just that I never bothered taking much notice of it. Haha. But yes, I thank Him for all the wonderful things He has brought me through these first few weeks of the year.

I did quite an interesting lesson in class on Sunday. I brought white board markers to class and made them create 2 lists of who the Bible says God is and who the Bible says we without Him. The sole purpose was to make everyone (including myself) realise that the whole Bible was centered around Jesus- and so should our lives be.

My Palliative mentor is not Christian, and he is very outgoing. Which makes life a bit difficult. I realised that no matter how charismatic a person is, the moment I know his values are not the same as mine, I get quite turned off. Haha. Nothing personal, just am.

Yet I still love Palliative Care. Just cause.

Research

2010-01-18T23:52:00.002+08:00

When I find the time, I will write a post on how God has been good to me.

For the moment, unfortunately, my life has been sucked away by research.

Haiz. Why did I give my holiday up so naively! Haha.

Perfect love drives out all fear.

2010-01-11T22:28:00.002+08:00

For God gave us a spirit not of fear, but of power and love and self-control.
2 Timothy 1:7.
Remember that, marc.

Too much pathology

2010-01-09T20:11:00.003+08:00

I borrowed this old MCQ book on pathology from the library, just to try it out, and there was this question (T/F):

"Acne vulgaris may be prevented by male castration"

And the answer (with explanation):
"True. Eunuchs do not have acne but this approach to treatment is a little extreme."

A LITTLE?!

A thought.

2010-01-06T01:28:00.003+08:00

It seems that the lower you bring yourself, the closer you find yourself to Jesus.

Thanksgiving 2009

2010-01-02T00:45:00.003+08:00

It's a bit late, but on reflection of 2009, my highlights of how God is faithful are-

1) Getting me to COFM exam just on time when I drove and got stuck in the most horrifying traffic jam along Eng Neo.
2) Helping me to pass my M3 examinations
3) Bringing Sheena and I together, and sustaining us through the year
4) Helping me through my Paediatric EOPT
5) Helping me through my night of gastroenteritis in Ho Chi Minh
6) Giving me much rest during YMLC
7) Providing a tie for me through Alvin during my Orthopedics EOPT after this peace that He is there with me
8) Giving me a lesson to teach for Sunday School when Lifeng had to go off to the sanctuary- I had prepared a double lesson a week before without knowing both would be used
9) Dodging a car accident while going quite fast along Still Road when a car swerved out into my lane
10) Bringing Grandpa though his cancer and finshing his race in Christ
11) Being at Youth December Camp and touching the lives of my sunday school kids
12) Bringing Halim (Lay leader) to keep me accountable of my sins
13) Helping me with my O and G EOPT after I puked out my morning milo. I think I would have been done for if I had puked on my clothes. Puking made me feel so much better.
14) Keeping us safe when we were in the earthquake in Taiwan

These are just the ones I remember- I thank God that every year that passes by is a year in thanksgiving, because Jesus lives.

Pathology and Cell.

2009-12-28T00:24:00.002+08:00

I don't want to seem whiny, but it is really extremely difficult to study at such a time as this. I actually think studying pathology can be a lot more appealing if my examinations was at another time of the year. Unfortunately, it is not, and the situation is as it stands. Bummer.

Of late, I have had many things impressed upon my heart- including how God has been faithful through the year, of the meaning of Christmas, and of what the year ahead brings. I do feel that God has been impressing upon me many things about cell and my sec 1 (going on sec 2) kids. There's this deep desire in me to raise them up for God. Perhaps even more so considering all the challenges which they face of late. It feels like the same heart-ache one gets when there one sees the poor, needy and helpless. The kind that when you are utterly helpless because of the limitations placed upon you, you just want to pray.

And there ARE many limitations. There's the schedule for next year. There's the time wherein I will be away for my electives. There are other commitments in life, no less important. There are girls, which I cannot minister to as much as I can the guys. And for a period of time, I felt this deep and heavy burden at just being so ARGH. So weak, so human. But I realised that truly if God has brought each one of them to the cell or to sunday school, then surely he can raise them up. Surely His Holy Spirit can fill and overflow the gaps which I cannot fill. Therein I find much peace.

Which makes me reflect upon this whole pathology exam. If my sunday school and cell kids are works in progress, I am a work in progress too. If God got me in here, surely He can bring me through it. Therein I find much peace.

Pride

2009-12-26T23:41:00.002+08:00

I've been thinking a great deal about pride and what it means to be humble. I think it's a very much under-rated sin, a very much under-taught lesson and it's two pals (lust of eyes and flesh) always drag one's attention away from it. What makes me especially sad is when pride creeps into church matters. Haiz =)

Taiwan

2009-12-23T01:42:00.003+08:00

You know, I'd have thought that when I'm stuck in a 6.5 or so earthquake, I'd have more awesome thoughts than-

Do I wash the shampoo off my hair first or run out now?
The shampoo won.

Church Camp

2009-12-08T22:41:00.003+08:00

I really should be studying now for my OandG exam tomorrow. But I just want to thank God for how wonderful He is from the way He's touched my Sec 1 kids and myself at church youth camp. I think teaching Youth is such an awesome thing to do- they can break your heart one moment and fill it with praises to God the next. The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few.

Now if only there were more teachers.

OandG

2009-11-19T00:02:00.003+08:00

I dislike this posting very much.

Being rejected by ladies all day long is besides the point (though it IS very sian)- I think that the whole stress of the situation is making a lot of people very edgy and causing them to dump their morals in the first instance. I've heard some very absurd rationalisations for certain things and it's just sad. It's like open season or something.

Tell me, my friend, what good is it for you in finishing your deliveries, 2 case writeups and mini-CEXs and lose your soul?

Welcome to the World.

2009-11-15T17:38:00.003+08:00

I was just sitting around very early this morning at grandpa's wake.
Maybe sleepiness makes me more cynical- I remember one of the deliveries I did:
Out of the womb and into the crap.
Literally. =p

Alpha and Omega.

2009-11-13T21:22:00.002+08:00

This morning I assisted in an emergency C- Section.
This morning Grandpa passed away.
Hmm.

You know, I honestly think I'm supposed to feel worse than I do now-
It's embarrassing to not get affected the way I'm expected to.
Yet it feels like I spent 10 months preparing someone for a holiday,
Then seeing them go off, and waiting till it's my turn.
I actually like it very much.

To live is Christ, to die is gain.

O and G call

2009-11-01T22:13:00.002+08:00

It was halloween last night, and I was on night call. I felt like a zombie today.
And if you can give birth without pain relief, Respect.

Life is NOT all about studying.

2009-10-15T21:15:00.004+08:00

"No man is really happy or safe without a hobby, and it makes precious little difference what the outside interest may be- botany, beetles or butterflies; roses, tulips or irises; fishing, mountaineering or antiques- anything will do as long as he straddles a hobby and rides it hard."

Hey Prof, Sir (Dr.) William Osler tells me to go get a life.

Thoughts from Radiology lectures

2009-10-12T22:30:00.006+08:00

Sin is like fats.
It creeps up real slow and before you know it, you are swimming in it.
Keep fit or feel hell's heat.
Do the Christian workout.

"... continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose."- Philippians 2:12b-13

"...male and female he created them."

2009-10-11T20:34:00.005+08:00

Sometimes I feel like telling certain guys I know-

God made you a man,
SO, STEP UP AND BE ONE!!!

Clinic!

2009-10-01T20:36:00.004+08:00

I haven't enjoyed clinic sessions in SUCH a long time. There were 2 extremely interesting cases ( the few times when it feels like 'House'), good tutors, and laughs from a parent who embarassed himself playing with toys!

Why can't every day be like that! =)

Holy Foolishness.

2009-10-01T20:07:00.003+08:00

"For Christ did not send me to baptise, but to preach the gospel- not with words of human wisdom, lest the cross of Christ be emptied of its power. For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God... For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength... He chose the lowly things of ths world and the despised things- and the things that are not- to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before Him... Therefore, as it is written: "Let him who boasts boast in the Lord."- 1 Corinthians 1:17-18, 25, 28-29, 31

Ian and I went through this verse yesterday night at our rather dismal 2 person Bible Study session, but it was good food for thought =)

I tried writing an entry about these verses. Maybe a tirade about foolishness, wisdom, pride and humility. But I find myself so engulfed and enthralled at wonderful absurdity of the Cross that I can't find the words to express myself. Perhaps- that itself is the point.

The Pitstop.

2009-09-29T00:01:00.002+08:00

Today I feel like I'm in the pits. I'm irritable, worried about life and upset with myself.

Okay. Time to get out. Not enough room here for God and I.

The Poor.

2009-09-20T00:56:00.002+08:00

I just want to say something about Christians and the poor because I heard, some time ago, to my horror, someone use some warped logic into not giving to the poor. My answer is-

"There will always be poor people in the land. Therefore I command you to be openhanded toward your brothers and toward the poor and needy in your land."- Deuteronomy 15:11

"'When you reap the harvest of your land, do not reap to the very edges of your field or gather the gleanings of your harvest. Leave them for the poor and the alien. I am the LORD your God.'"-Leviticus 23:22

"because I rescued the poor who cried for help, and the fatherless who had none to assist him."- Job 29:12

"I was a father to the needy; I took up the case of the stranger."- Job 29:16

"Have I not wept for those in trouble? Has not my soul grieved for the poor?"- Job 30:25

"if I have seen anyone perishing for lack of clothing, or a needy man without a garment,and his heart did not bless me for warming him with the fleece from my sheep,"- Job 31:19-20

"Defend the cause of the weak and fatherless; maintain the rights of the poor and oppressed."- Psalms 82:3
[Many other Psalms which I have been extremely conservative in my interpretation (as only directed towards and from God) and excluded here]

"He who despises his neighbor sins, but blessed is he who is kind to the needy."- Proverbs 14:21

"He who oppresses the poor shows contempt for their Maker, but whoever is kind to the needy honors God."- Proverbs 14:31

"He who gives to the poor will lack nothing, but he who closes his eyes to them receives many curses."- Proverbs 28:27

"If a man shuts his ears to the cry of the poor, he too will cry out and not be answered."- Proverbs 21:13

"A generous man will himself be blessed, for he shares his food with the poor."- Proverbs 22:9

"Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy."- Proverbs 31:9

"She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy."- Proverbs 31:20

"Is it not to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter--when you see the naked, to clothe him, and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?"- Isaiah 58:7

"'He defended the cause of the poor and needy, and so all went well. Is that not what it means to know me?' declares the LORD- Jeremiah 22:16

""So when you give to the needy, do not announce it with trumpets, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and on the streets, to be honored by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full."- Matthew 6:2

"Jesus looked at him and loved him. "One thing you lack," he said. "Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.""- Mark 10:21

"But give what is inside [the dish] to the poor, and everything will be clean for you."- Luke 11:41

"But when you give a banquet, invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, the blind,"- Luke 14:13

""There was a rich man who was dressed in purple and fine linen and lived in luxury every day. At his gate was laid a beggar named Lazarus, covered with sores, and longing to eat what fell from the rich man's table. Even the dogs came and licked his sores."- Luke 16:21

"In Joppa there was a disciple named Tabitha (which, when translated, is Dorcas), who was always doing good and helping the poor."- Acts 9:36

"He and all his family were devout and God-fearing; he gave generously to those in need and prayed to God regularly.", "and said, 'Cornelius, God has heard your prayer and remembered your gifts to the poor."- Acts 10:2,31

"For Macedonia and Achaia were pleased to make a contribution for the poor among the saints in Jerusalem."- Romans 15:26

"All they asked was that we should continue to remember the poor, the very thing I was eager to do."- Galatians 2:10

"If you show special attention to the man wearing fine clothes and say, "Here's a good seat for you," but say to the poor man, "You stand there" or "Sit on the floor by my feet,", have you not discriminated among yourselves and become judges with evil thoughts?"- James 2:3-4

Your Word.

2009-09-20T00:00:00.000+08:00

After visiting the Dead Sea Scrolls Exhibition, I've been thinking about what the Bible really means to me.

I imagine myself losing all of the letters I have from Sheena. How great the sadness will be. And just as how these letters are full of love and deeply important, so is God's Word one long, and very full, love letter to us. It is full of poetry, full of stories, full of promises, full of forgiveness, and in many parts (especially on the Cross), simply full of love itself.

Perhaps these days, the Bible has been taken for granted simply by how available it is- like having many many copies of the same love letter. Yet in days of scarcity, would we be so flippant about our Lord's Word? In days when it was copied by hand, in days when it cost a year's wages to own one, in days when it was chained to the pulpit, in days when the family Bible was THE prized possession. Such irony, isn't it? The wide availability and freedom of God's word has made it become, to so many of us, just another book.

But you won't feel much love from Harry Potter. You may love him, but he certainly won't.

So much has gone into the Bible. The composition of the Bible itself is a miracle- Imagine a box with 66 beautiful presents from a Lover. Maybe a flower, maybe a poem, maybe some chocolates etc. The Lover has chosen the florist, the poet, the chocolatier all to point to His love for us. You may think that the genealogy of the Israelites may not be very loving, but I won't like chocolates much too, cause I'm allergic to them- Unless they're white. But the point is that it is no mean feat.

Then there is the toiling of the Jewish scribes and copiers (I'm sure there's a more elegant name) to ensure the perfection of God's Word being passed on. The martyred Christians who proclaimed Christ's story at the cost of their own. The painful process of translating His Word so that creatures like me who are linguistically challenged are not left out. The missionaries who take His Word with them to people like me.

All to bring God's Word to us. THIS is the Word of God we deal with.
We (including myself) should be absolutely ashamed of the way we treat it.

"I have hidden your word in my heart, that I might not sin against you"- Psalms 119:11

A Point.

2009-09-07T21:07:00.001+08:00

The fact of the matter is-

If Jesus' work on the Cross is not finished,

I am.

The Orchestra.

2009-08-24T22:12:00.000+08:00

My friend, imagine an orchestra. All the players are there, instruments in hand. Every member has a musical score. Every member knows that they are there to play their score. That is their role. If they didn't have that role, they must as well be kicked off stage- for they do nothing more than take up space. The performance begins.

Silence.

No one dares to play first. Every one eyes each other suspiciously- perhaps like a game of 'bluff' or 'cluedo'.
The percussionist decides what-the-heck and starts tapping on his triangle. A single tone pierces the uncomfortable silence. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. Some people like Ding dings.

Some people don't.

The single monotone drives the flutist crazy. He decides that his flute shall do the orchestra justice. He stands up and plays a beautiful melody. Yet he knows that the best way to make the ding ding of the triangle look pathetic is if he plays in time with it- like two knights sparring, not just waving their lances wildly. Suddenly we have two instruments dancing tunes around each other. The ding ding may drive the flutist mad, the flutist may drive the percussionist mad-

But there is music.

Then violinist (how he has gone over his piece countless times in his quiet time!), red in the face, adamant that his strings lie silent! Bow up, he bursts out in song! The bass now! Ah, the brass see their opportunity to enter- deep breaths and here the come! Bassoons! Violas! Cellos! Cymbals! We have a harmony!

The tuba player determined to play his best, spurs the violinist to be more precise in his playing, the flutist blows with more swaying and the percussionist taps his triangle with as much passion as a triangle can be played! Ah, the music gets better and better!

But what have we here? The conductor stands up and demands silence! He sees no point in all this! The violin's screechy, the ding ding's boring and the flutist has too much melody. His little wand (what do you call that stick thing?) which makes no music whatsoever is superior and disgraces them all. Music is so passe. He storms out of the room in a huff, determined to go back to his little room and wave his stick. Perhaps the swishing is soothing enough to get by his solitary days. Ashamed, the music stops and one by one they get up to leave. The music offends! Maybe the silence is better.

Thus we end our story of the orchestra called religion. They understand harmony as not playing.

Up.

2009-08-17T00:12:00.000+08:00

I watched Pixar's Up with Sheena today. I think a movie that can make you laugh lots, feel real emotional and think through issues is totally worth watching.

Too bad I don't have much freedom of thought- ENT starts tomorrow.
Honestly, I don't mind flying off with balloons now too.

Ortho EOPT

2009-08-16T00:00:00.000+08:00

I want to thank God for helping me with my Ortho exam on Saturday.

As with all EOPTs, usually one gets butterflies in the stomach waiting for our turn. I didn't really want to go through one whole hour of that stomach churning, which I didn't because- I found out that I had gone to NUH without a tie on. In light of every one else having a tie on, it was like just waiting for one of the five examiners to shoot me down. Thus instead of spending my one hour of waiting reading through notes, I was sitting there and praying hard that God will somehow help me through the day.

At first, there was a rather acute sense of impending doom, then a very distinct peace that God had my life in control. To the point that I had a certain assurance that He would bring me through that day- so much so that I wasn't very much worried about the tie or the exam itself. Yet it's funny how one can feel an assurance and have an increasing doubt of how God was going to provide. I mean, either He provided me with a tie or very nice (and rather blind) examiners.

As we were all getting ready to go for the exam, putting out bags into boxes for safekeeping, I stood next to my classmate, Alvin, and in passing mentioned that I was more worried about not having a tie than the exam. Alvin had an extra tie in his bag, which he kindly lent me.

Going into the exam with this comfort that God is with you- I tell you, friend, is incredible.

Riches

2009-08-10T18:46:00.001+08:00

I detest opulence. It makes me sick.

I don't understand how people can live in a frivolous fashion and not care about the poor and helpless of the world, and claim that they know Jesus. How come Jesus isn't breaking your heart into pieces when you see them? And I am getting tired of living in a society which glorifies the rich. There are a lot of people I know who are going to be rich- there are a lot of people in med school who are THERE to be rich. There are a lot of rich people in church. And I once caught myself wondering how it would feel when everyone else around me is rich and I am poor(er)- and whether I will able to say, as Paul does, that "I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want."- Philippians 4:12b.

It reminds me of the rich man who declared that he followed all of the commandments and yet could not give up all his riches and follow Christ. My fear this day and age is that we take Bible Study to being a theological discussion which is not applicable to our lives. For we all know the lesson being taught, but all of us like to think that we're not rich enough to fall into the "harder than a camel entering the eye of a needle" category. It's a nice delusion to have, until you find out that-

You're the camel.

A world I will never know.

2009-08-03T01:18:00.001+08:00

I've wanted to write this post for rather long, but many things have been taking up my time- I don't think I've been this busy for quite some time! Especially with Sheena's birthday coming up and a sudden change in ministry commitments all over the place..

Anyway, I was in clinic that day and there was a patient, a foreign worker, who told the doctor that he wanted to close his own case because he was out of money and just wanted to go back home (home as in his country). And it stuck me as to how different his life and mine was. Not in the pompous high and mighty way, but in the humbling manner. A reminder that God calls us to be mindful of the poor and helpless because He loves them just the same. Sometimes it's easy to forget that there are such people out there in the world. Sometimes it's convenient to just ignore them or take their souls for granted. Perhaps that's how slavery all came about- taking others' souls for granted. It's as if we see them so often that we numb ourselves to them, or that our reactions of avoidance have become some sort of spinal reflex, not going up there to the brain.

But when I saw this good man in the clinic, I thank God for blessings that He has given to me which I take for granted- a home, food, family, education, and Christ. And deep inside there's a certain sadness and longing that herein my fellow brother on this planet, whom Jesus loves very much, is unable to share in the joys which I fail to rejoice in. Here was a man in abject poverty (Pastor Malcolm talked about this in church today) who I need to feel for because I am a Christian. Not just because I do so in utter obedience to Him, but because Christ, who loved an abject sinner like me, loves Him too. And suddenly, when everything in the world- all the glamour, the fame, the promises of comfort strip away into the temporal wastes that they are- all that is left is whether you know Jesus, or not. Or rather, whether He knows you/ me.

This man lived in a world I will never know. I could plunge myself into being a missionary into a world like He is in and certainly, perhaps one day God will call me to it. Yet there's a certain beauty in being in need- Not that I approve of keeping people in it. That when there's a filling, it is all the more beautiful. There's nothing beautiful about a cup which is just overflowing- it seems kind of messy. But a cup which is empty and the water just gushing in to fill it with all goodness. That is, to me, something to behold. And though there's a temptation to sigh and move on since I will probably never know, there's a call by Jesus to be His hands and feet. A call to action.

But when I sit there and think of all this, and the good man talks to the doctor, I am left bewildered at how to be God's hands and feet. And in that moment, I can only pray- God help me, I am helpless.

I could be closer to that man than I think.

Triceratops.

2009-07-19T23:41:00.003+08:00

I blog less these days because there's been just so much to do- there's school, BB Bible Study, Sunday School, Cell Group, My grandpa, Prayer meeting, and wanting to spend time with Sheena. In some sense, I'm glad that life is so packed with other things than medicine. There's a certain satisfaction in refusing to give in to living a bland medicine-is-my-life life.

What do I want to specialise in? I desire to know nothing except Christ and Him crucified.

Take that, world.

Then again, I don't blog also because I find less use in telling the world about my life (it seems almost egotistical at times), because there are more stuff in life which are personal- between Sheena, myself and God, and perhaps because I'm growing out of it in general.

Maybe I'm becoming a dinosaur.

Hmm.

2009-07-13T00:16:00.004+08:00

I haven't blogged a lot- not because school work is consuming my life, but because there always seems to be something else to do here and there.. I've been reflecting on what it means to have a passion for God's name. Maybe I'll blog about it when I have an answer.

Thanksgiving.

2009-06-28T18:37:00.003+08:00

For a Year 4 medical student, I feel like an incredible slacker. I just spent my whole weekend doing all sorts of things beside medicine, and sometimes my lack of enthusiasm for my own learning worries me- not just for the examinations, but that if I was my own doctor, I'll be a bit wary of trusting myself. Haha. Which makes me wonder why the incoming batch of Year 1s are so eager to end their lives as they know it- starting a facebook group, meeting before medicamp, etc. I mean, these people are going to be stuck with you for a really long time, I'd rather meet other people I might end up losing time with along the way.

And you know, after 3 years of medical school (half the time just floating through it, to be honest), sometimes it does make me wonder as to what life will be like for the next 2 and beyond. I thank God that even at this point in my life, He's been faithful in many ways. Three things in my life I really thank God for in the past three years-

1) That I've found a joy in ministry and being in His presence, though I fall short many times. It just reminds me that I'm still growing every day. Sometimes when I look at my past blog entries, I think them to be quite funny, 'cause they don't seem to be.. Me. Haha. And just as how God used the weak and the lowly of the world for His service, in ministry, I am pretty lousy to begin with too. Haha.

2) That my examinations have went well (including getting there on time). I remember when I started serving in BB in M1 and there was just so much to do- like going down to ACSI to join Charles for interviews- and just wondering how I would do in examinations. There's this constant fear that I'd be screwed since all my classmates were mugging like crazy and here I was, offering Saturday to God for ministry. And since I've never done an examination in medical school before, I'd no idea whether I was pitching my studying too low (it never seemed too high). But yes, God has been faithful. More than I had expected.

3) That perfect circumstances brought Sheena into my life. Perfect because I believe that everything was planned by God in His time, and God is perfect. Perfect not because she's perfect or that I'm perfect or that the love we have is perfect, but that God's love, which we must base our love or have nothing, is perfect.

So even as I've ended my first week of 25 weeks of non-stop schooling (of which whoever planned it so should be shot), I thank God for things thus far.

Year 4.

2009-06-22T00:09:00.002+08:00

Today I gave a Bible study on Moses and how God called him out of the burning bush into ministry. Even tonight as I reflect upon what lies ahead in year 4, there's a certain uncertainty, a certain amount of sian-ness, and yet a certain amount of hope that God goes with me too- just as he had done with Moses. And just as God had empowered Moses with skills and miracles to do the task at hand, I pray that I will trust God to lead and guide me through all that is ahead.

The problem with holidays is that it leaves you wanting more. The last 2 weeks have been pretty awesome- going to Vietnam (well, GE wasn't so cool), zoo, baking, putting up my wall, lunches and dinners and time for little surprises. I suppose it won't be as awesome if I spread the whole thing over a few weeks and school was a distant memory, but that because it was so close at hand, these were precious moments which were to be savored. Of course, the prospect of going 25 more weeks before my next break is just a tinge absurd. Well, maybe not just a tinge.

I'm just glad that I got to have a phone call with Sheena before we plunge into the madness again. Actually, I should be glad that I have her as a blessing in the first place. =)

Jelly Hearts

2009-06-17T00:14:00.002+08:00

We tried making Jelly Hearts today, but we figured that we could use the whole strawberry instead of doing the hearts proper.. Haha.. Great fun =)

From Philippines.

2009-06-09T00:07:00.003+08:00

It's dreary all day until warm sunshine suddenly bursts through.

That's what it felt like tonight when I got her sms =)

Ho Chi Minh tomorrow- I need the holiday.

Paeds EOPT

2009-06-03T23:31:00.003+08:00

Tomorrow is the Paeds EOPT. I wonder if I should be more scared of the OSCE or the theory paper.. But then, I remember this verse-

"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust"'

- Psalms 91:1-2

I should be scared of neither.

Beautiful World

2009-05-25T17:46:00.003+08:00

I decided to do something quite different today (after all that thinking of how tired I was of school).. I found the keys to my window grilles and moved them to one side so that I get a full view of what the world outside (my window) was like.. And it just happens to be a beautiful day- or maybe it's that every day is beautiful and that I've just been missing out on years of it.. And as I was worshipping God just now, I felt Him come near and very dear, to remind me that He is all I'm living for- and that is enough. =)

Which reminds me of what CS Lewis wrote,

“I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else."

Thank God for days like that. =)

Fatigue

2009-05-25T15:59:00.002+08:00

I'm very tired from school. It's not that I hate my studying- it's just a fact. Perhaps it's the whole long run of postings one after the other, perhaps it's just the culture of things.. It's just exhausting to go through.. It would be very nice if I could have a bit more breathing space.. I do suppose possible to create the breathing space- like how I managed to go for a bunch of Alister Mcgrath lectures last week, like how I do get to send Sheena home and spend a lil' time together praying.. But there's this sense of dread that med school is droning on, and I certainly do not want to feel that way.. After all, this is supposed to be where I can be used by God for His glory.. But still. There's a 2 week holiday coming up (swine flu stole a week away), and I honestly wonder if it'll be enough time to recouperate before Year 4 begins.. The fact, again, is, I don't have a choice.

Love

2009-05-16T00:23:00.004+08:00

Pretty much everyone I know wants to, and has a certain ideal, of what falling in love is. We all have this Disney princess- fairytale sort of dreamy wish in our head, which, to be very honest (and not cause I want to be a wet blanket) hardly ever happens. Rapunzel looks out of her tower to find that the knight calling to her is such a disappointment and maybe not worth all that tension on her hair. Something like that. And I do wonder if sometimes we feel obligated to love in the Disneyland fashion, and then find ourselves disappointed. Falling beautifully in love and finding that one is crashing into the hard rock of imperfections- Imperfections of the beloved, imperfections of the lover, imperfections of the love between. And the faster one falls, the harder one hits the rock.

When I began loving Sheena, I had this idea that I already knew what loving means. You know, we're all so ingrained to love- love God, love parents, love friends, love love love- that there's not much thought given into it. And sometimes when my imperfect love leaves me in the lurch, there's a desperate reflex to jam a one-size-fits-all way of loving into the situation. The fact of the matter is that yes, sometimes I do not know how to love. And that is quite scary- it's always nicer to be in the light headed feeling of falling in love than to have to deal with love proper.

But you know, I find that when I start to humble myself and admit that I have much to learn about loving her, suddenly the loving itself is as enjoyable, if not more, as the falling in love.

RAH.

2009-05-10T18:36:00.003+08:00

I'm quite fired up from reading a few notes on facebook putting Christianity down, and I feel like writing something in reply to slam them back. But no, I shall pray more instead. I just hope these people will not cross my path at the wrong time. If you flame my God, I will smile and heap burning coals on your head, you sad little atheist. Okok, love thy enemy.

Call the Shots.

2009-05-08T00:25:00.003+08:00

"As far as Mr. Khaw was concerned, an orange alert was appropriate then, given the uncertainty surrounding the virus and the escalating number of deaths in Mexico"- Straits Times, Page A1, 7/4/9

I like the opening line- very cheeky, intentionally or otherwise.

'Progressive'?

2009-05-06T21:01:00.004+08:00

Someone recently changed his religious views from Christianity to "Progressive". You can't really be progressing anywhere unless you have a certain objective viewpoint to begin with- you could be regressive for all you know. But I certainly think that this person is progressive indeed-

Progressing onward to hell.

Swine Flu

2009-05-05T23:05:00.004+08:00

I'm on a one week holiday because MOH decided to ban us all from the wards the moment.. Which is, in my opinion, a bit over the top.. Maybe when they told us that we're an integral part of the team, we're the appendix or something.. Haha.. I'm just wondering how I'd survive with a mere 2 week space between 3rd and 4th year.. Anyway, I've been reading "Knowing God" by J. I. Packer, and it's a good read when there's times like these with spaces for reflection.. Especially when there's a nice park to sit in and much time to do it.. Ah well. I thank God for blessings =)

aware

2009-05-03T14:46:00.002+08:00

The Aware episode teaches us a few things:

1) The ugliness of everyone- Somehow when I was reading the papers on how things turned out at the meeting, it's sort of understandable why we can envision what hell will be like, unlike our fuzzy view of the glories of heaven. Won't it be like that? All the anger, the hate, the mocking, the jealousy, the pride, the judging.. It just reminds us how we're all fallen, the irony being that if we claim otherwise, it's probably 'cause we have the plank in our eye and only see the speck in our brother's.. Sad. It's these sort of things which should make us run to cross and cry out for Jesus to save us from our depravity.

2) Christianity is not so cool- I personally think persecution's good for Christian life.. The Christian life is difficult, yet joyful. Too often, we just want it to be joyful- but there's nothing joyful in knowing that Christ is not preached to a bunch of people around you on their way to hell.. We are called to take a stand in the world, to be shining like stars in the universe, taking the light from under the basket, a city on a hill that cannot be hidden.. Yet all we want to be is harmonious with other people, which is the greatest disfavour at the end of the day.. Why would there be so much encouragement to press on if it was just a stroll in the park? Why would Jesus tell us to be of good courage for He has overcome the world- for us to take the cowardly role of being inclusive? The way of the inclusive is broad, wide, easily found, easy to travel on, plenty of space for worldly baggage and leading to the wide gate of hell.

3) Sexuality- This baffles me the most, to be honest. Depression is common, and we consider it a clinical condition, whilst homosexuality is less common and we're pushing for it to be a social norm.. I think it is very clear from the function of genitalia what is the natural course of sexuality of male and of female.. Therein, I have no idea why homosexuality is considered to be anything besides being a deviant from social norm. If we teach that homosexuality to children as being an alternative lifestyle, we must as well teach them that depression is a perfectly okay state of mind to be in.. It occurs to me that being inclusive is so 'cool' these days that we've lost our concept of what normal is anymore. It's the whole idea of everything being subjective- without an objective morality, anything goes, and spins out of control like a kite which string has snapped.

God help us all.

20 Starting Thoughts.

2009-04-25T01:33:00.004+08:00

I would like to present an approach which I have been considering.

1) I would like to think that I am more than just a bunch of neuronal processes firing, I am, myself.

2) That the world itself cannot be a meaningless process of chance in a world with so much meaning.

3) Therein, because I am myself and this world is not chance, my life should have some meaning.

4) Thus, I should endeavour to find out the meaning, so that I can live my meaning out.

5) There should be some objectivity in the world; if everything is subjective, meaning cannot exist.

6) What I think is most objective would be that there is truth and righteousness out there.

7) Why? Because in life, I realise that I deviate from what is true and what is right

8) If I am a deviant in these aspects, I am deviating from an objective standpoint

9) There would then be 2 ways to solve my deviance-

a) I lose myself in meditation and try to become nothing. Solve the problem by removing the question. It's like sleeping in an examination- when you wake up, you're dead meat.

b) I seek the objective, which will anchor that which my life revolves around.

10) If I do think that there is something beyond this, then perhaps the objective will show how.

11) If objectivity is forever, to be with objectivity, I must be able to exist without conflict with it.

12) I am not in conflict with objectivity if I am in the same state as objectivity.

13) That is, I am, if point 6 stands true, restored to truth and righteousness.

14) I begin to think that my good works would restore me, because it shows my goodness inside.

15) Then I realise that my 'goodness' fails me, for compared to the objective, I am nowhere near.

16) I do not see any way where I can change this lack of good inside of me by myself.

17) So I need help. From somewhere.

18) Maybe the objectivity can save me- if it is potent enough to do so.

19) Objectivity is itself the most potent thing we can imagine, since everything stems from it.

20) Therefore my only hope in salvation must come from objectivity.

Here, I begin to see that Christianity, from this perspective, fits perfectly.

Perspectives

2009-04-23T23:45:00.003+08:00

I'm going to be 22 this year. 22 is the median age for survival in Duchenne's Muscular Dystrophy (as of 2005). Sometimes it's easy to look around and wonder why God made me the way I am, why God put me in the place I am, why God didn't give me so and so qualities. It's easy to forget that God has blessed each of us in different ways, and yet all imperfect- so that no one can boast, except in Jesus. I met a Spina Bifida gentleman today who told me that he remembers, even in his condition, that there are many other people who are worse off than him- and that keeps him going.. Which makes me want to live my life in thankfulness for the blessings instead of the desire for more.. And that is my struggle.

Paeds is incredibly hectic.. The writeups are take up an incredible amount of potential study time, and it's not as if we have the patient load to sustain the flock of us trying to get cases to write on.. I think it's just silly.. The tutors are all so smart that half the time you feel like some primary school kid attempting the O levels.. Then again, because it's so busy, the moments of time when I get some respite from it all, and to just spend some time off with Sheena- these become pretty precious indeed..

Thoughts

2009-04-14T00:07:00.002+08:00

Looks like I didn't get down to writing the last entry.. Anyway, tonight I have quite a few thoughts in my mind.. And since I'm tired of studying, I shall bother writing them down for once..

1) The best way to love a person when you're not with them is to pray for them.

- Came to me during Quiet Time, it's very comforting

2) I wish I had some sort of photographic memory or was smarter than I am.

- Then I remember the blessing of what I am studying.

3) I pray that I'd learn to trust God to live each day by His daily bread.

4) I have this intense thirsting for God's presence, a longing to spend all day at His feet

I thank God that He loves me and died for my sins.

John Stott

2009-04-12T00:56:00.001+08:00

I want to write something, but I better finish reading my book which is due for return at the church library tomorrow.. haha.. I shall write tomorrow if I have time to..

Finding Joy

2009-04-07T23:40:00.002+08:00

Sheena reminded me that we're supposed to live in the joy of the Lord.

She is quite right indeed. =)

Thoughts on Death

2009-03-30T13:16:00.004+08:00

I think death means a great deal more to me these ED posting days. When I see a young man slip away, I wonder what he must have been thinking when he walked out of that door that morning and what his family members must be feeling waiting outside. It makes one consider the fragility of this life to which we're living, reflects the awesome power of God to snatch us away from the earth and how we take life for granted. Death is the rebuttal to all that self-motivation nonsense about how 'you control your destiny'. And it is a good answer indeed.

I think most people do think of their mortality once in a while. We all have our own ideas of what death is like, how we want to die and when it will take place. Yet I don't think anyone really thinks that it will come per se. To us imagining fools, we make death to be like a fairy tale in our minds- maybe even replete with the appropriate music to fit the dramatic scenes conjured. None of us, though, expects it to really happen. Even when we're sick, we think that we're strong enough to work our way out, probably because when we eventually can't, then we're dead, and that is a bit late for such realisations. There's this inherent hope that when death stares at one in the face, we're supermen and women. Which poses quite a problem, since it makes every person look quite delusional.

Therein, perhaps it's not healthy to think about death the way we do. For we are either preoccupied with how to die properly (and live in its fear), or how to live properly (and push off death into fairy tale land). And I think that the only way to live fearlessly and yet preciously, is to have a close and intimate walk with Jesus Christ. "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me."- Psalms 23:4

I think death will hit us in the face and we'll all be in heaven (or hell) faster than we'd expect.

Ambulance Run

2009-03-18T22:12:00.002+08:00

Night Ambulance Run was quite interesting- I got to see a OD, a RTA, a Chest infection, an ARU and a AMI. The paramedic turned moody and grumpy after awhile, I couldn't sleep 'cause it was too cold and it did feel a bit like going back to NS- but it was a good experience I think.. Haha.. The OD was quite sad though.. Aiyah. I'm exhausted.

Free at the Wrong Times

2009-03-16T10:41:00.002+08:00

This is quite a difficult period indeed. The posting is eating up all my ministry time- not that I have less time, but that my free times are not aligned with the periods where I do need free time. I cannot do my Year 7 Bible Studies on Saturdays cause I'm plugged with 9-5 days, I can't go for my Sec 1-3 camp because it just so happens that I'm rather free from Monday-Wednesday and choked full with work later in the week. And to be very honest, I don't feel like I'm enjoying my posting when I feel that I want to be somewhere else. It feels like all this is taking away the time which I can use to serve God- then again, that's not true, since hospital time can be ministry time too. It just makes me rather sad that my Year 7s have come out of BMT and I cannot meet up with them before they go back into the army.

Anyway, I've been reading Micah, partly cause the Sec 1-3 camp theme verse is 6:8, about how though it was a period of prosperity, people forgot about God and turned to their own ways. Of particular interest was the way Micah tells them that they were following "statutes of Omri all the practices of Ahab's house and you have followed their traditions" (6:16)- that these were all so subtle. You don't need to have an idol/image to follow after it before walking away from God. I wonder if I have these in some parts of my heart too. These days, I have been preoccupied with the future- where God will lead me, who I'll spend my life with, whether I'm a competent enough Doctor for people to trust me, whether I'll ever specialise. These seem to be big problems.

Then again, when I was meditating on the word today, these seem small because of two things-1) that there are people out there who aren't blessed as I am to sit under an air-conditioner and in front of a laptop. There are people who worry about their next meal. There are people who do not have an education or financial means to begin with. 2) That underlying the whole of Micah's message was the presence of a just, powerful and loving God. That, I think, is beautiful. That when I learn to trust God (and Lord, I pray you help me trust you more), my troubles do not go away, but that my attitude to struggles changes. This is God- who is in control of everything, who wants us to be good, just as he is, because of His love for us. Then even I have the absolutely worst day of my life, I know that He's got a super plan in all this.

To which I think that we don't appreciate the magnificence of God enough. In Romans, Paul tells of how the whole world testifies to God. It surely does indeed- when one stands in the midst of massive mountains or of a raging sea, our humanity does seem so much more real. This in contrast to just sitting in a room where everything's man-made. I imagine the builders of the tower of Babel to be like that- so focused on building their big tower (what's my big tower- is it med school?) that they forget to see the wonders of God around. Must have looked pretty pathetic- we probably do look likewise too.

Which is why I'd love to live near some beach instead of being stuck so close to the city. I think I'd like very much being blown away by an awesome God.

Results

2009-03-12T23:29:00.002+08:00

I thank God for helping Sheena and I pass pharmaco and COFM exams. To be honest, I'm rather tired now. Haha. More another time.

Not in Textbooks

2009-03-11T23:13:00.004+08:00

There's 2 things which my 3 days so far in Emergency Department has taught me:

1) Life can slip away so quickly, and we probably take every moment for granted

2) If one's beloved survives an ED episode, the meeting is indescribably precious

Too bad I can't review anything else about the patients who taught me these.

Emed

2009-03-09T22:32:00.002+08:00

I realised that the general state of things has become such that if you say that you are a Christian, it doesn't really clarify anything until you tell me what you believe in. I think that's quite a sad reality.

Emed started today, and I'm rather tired from having had bad sleep the night before and then having a massive chunk of information fed to me in school.. I have this feeling that this posting's going to be a great challenge to me during this phase of my life.. Then again, I think that I'm learning a great deal about loving and God's love every day. =)